JkHolland's Xanga

Friday, November 21, 2008

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 03:01:08 GMT

Here is a list of things I can believably accept Michael Phelps doing:

1) Swimming
2) Walking
3) Walking to a swim meet

Here is a list of things I cannot believably accept Michael Phelps doing:

1) Playing 'Guitar Hero'
2) Learning a foreign language via Rosetta Stone
3) Acting

Please stop asking me to believe these things, television.

+++++

Things I absolutely believe Heidi Klum does when Seal is out on tour and thus cannot make love to her constantly (which is what I gather they do, based on how they talk together in interviews):

1) Plays 'Guitar Hero' while dancing around in her underwear and a man's shirt.

You can't be around her every day, Seal. And that is when I shall make my move.

You heard me, soul-man. I'm gonna play Guitar Hero with your woman.

Resident Expert

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:04:59 GMT

Quote of the day, from the AV Club's (very, very long) interview with John Hodgman:

"The very idea that there is no truth, but only the filter of narrative through which truth is invented is something I learned at the feet of the most leftist professors at Yale and am learning again from Sarah Palin during the Vice Presidential debate, and I find that very disorienting."

Hey, by the way he has a new book out, a follow-up to his hilariously faux-informative "The Areas of My Expertise." You can go buy it here, if you like.

Delayed Reaction: "The Fountain"

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 02:34:09 GMT

It’s Thursday, and I’m killing time before “The Office,” so I thought I’d take a second for a movie recommendation.

Thing is, you won’t like the movie. You won’t. Nobody does. Not at first, anyway.

The movie is The Fountain, Darren Aronofsky’s sci-fi epic starring Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weiss. The history of the movie’s creation is interesting by itself – originally, it had a huge budget and Brad Pitt and Kate Blanchett were set to star. But the budget went out of control, the studio balked, the actors split, and Aronofsky had to rethink the whole thing, eventually recasting it (in which case it helps to be married to a beautiful actress who’s game) and redeveloping all the special effects on a much smaller but no less stunning scale.

That won’t affect your enjoyment or lack thereof. I just thought I’d add that in there because I thought it was neat, how failed projects sometimes find new life (still waiting on Terry Gilliam’s “Man of La Mancha” movie with Johnny Depp).

Anyway, The Fountain is slow, ponderous, and a bit melodramatic, when it isn’t downright incomprehensible. The plot follows along three tracks, all starring Jackman and Weiss: a conquistador searching for the fountain of youth in the Mayan jungles; a scientist trying to eradicate cancer in time to save his dying wife; and a spaceman in the far future, traveling to a star cluster with a tree for unexplained reasons. The three narratives intersect and entwine enough to give us the sense that it’s all connected by present-day Jackman and Weiss’s dilemma.

Considering any one of these could technically make for an interesting movie, it’s bothersome that none of them actually are. They’re all beautifully shot and (considering the reduced budget) gorgeous to look at, but ultimately, when all is said and done, viewers are inclined to ask, “Okay…what the hell was THAT all about?” It’s deliberately obtuse, leaving viewers to do the heavy lifting. And so at first glance, it’s pretty unsatisfying.

But it sinks in, specifically because it leaves the meaning to the viewer’s specific sensibilities.

When I spoke about it with Matt Burns, I learned that we had been watching very different films. I took the more fantastical parts – the conquistador and spaceman bits – as fictional elements within the present-day cancer story. Burns took it all literally, each part creating a larger, fully science fiction story.

And I don’t think either of us was wrong.

I watched it and saw a symbolic meditation on mortality and the grieving process – because I’m inclined to view things through that lens. Burns took it as a far-reaching realization of the eradication of death, and what that might ultimately look like, because that’s the movie he wanted to see. It may be both these things.

On initial viewing, The Fountain is certainly underwhelming. There’s just not a lot going on, the present-day segment feels a bit “Lifetime Movie,” and virtually no explanation is given for the connection between the three segments, just thematic inferences.

But I think that makes it a wonderful movie to reflect upon. There aren’t a lot of movies – certainly not a lot of science fiction movies – that trust the viewer enough to take their own meaning from it. This is one, and I recommend it in that sense – even knowing that one possible reflection is, “After sitting with this movie on my mind for a few days, I have come to the decision that I still goddamn hated it.”

Which I accept. But I recommend it because I watched it nearly a year ago, and it still stays with me. And so I’ve learned sometimes you have to take a chance on an oddball piece of cinema.

Okay, “The Office” is on now. Talk to you later.

Give Me Your Money!

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:10:09 GMT

Yes, it's that time again, gang. The Tri-State Lupus Foundation of America will be hosting their 2008 Lupus Loop walk/run on October 26, and we, the ever-growing roster of Team Tanitha, would really appreciate it if you could help us raise a little cash. It's as easy as it's ever been, too.

Step 1): Go to http://www.active.com/donate/lupusloop2008/JHollan65
Step 2): Click however much you'd like to donate.
Step 3): Feel good about having donated some money.

I've emailed some of you already, but please forward this to anyone I might've forgotten, and to anyone on here I haven't talked to in a while...hi, how's it going?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 03:26:40 GMT

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." - Popularized by Mark Twain

And that about sums up current news culture. As the Democratic National Convention roars to life and the 28-hour news cycle scrambles to feed the beast, this phrase keeps coming back to me. Every ounce of cautious optimism that Obama represents - in the face of staggeringly inept campaigning by McCain - is tempered by the nagging suspicion that this is not a done deal. Because taken as a whole, the American people are not to be trusted with voting. When given the chance to elect the possibility of progress and change, or stunning, callous ineptitude masquerading as Real America, it's entirely likely the voting public will listen to manipulative commercials, Fox News, and talking heads with agendas.

I know this, because George W. Bush was elected twice.

In times like this, I turn to two fictional examinations of modern politics and government. But tonight I'm not in the mood for the soothing liberal-idealism porn that was "The West Wing."

Tonight I want rage. Which is when Warren Ellis and Darick Robertson's masterful "Transmetropolitan" comes in handy. So I offer this, taken from a PSA by Ellis's muck-raking sci-fi journalist Spider Jerusalem:

"You want to know about voting. I'm here to tell you about voting.

Imagine you're locked in a huge underground nightclub filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pit bulls for fun. And you ain't allowed out until you all vote on what you're going to do tonight.

You like to put your feet up and watch "Republican Party Reservation". They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns and brand-new sexual organs that you did not know existed.

So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as the eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades.

That's voting.

You're welcome."

Sleep tight, kids.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 03:06:50 GMT

So here's your first sign Watchmen may, in fact, suck: Kevin Smith Loved It. From Entertainment Weekly:

“I saw Watchmen. It’s f---ing astounding. The Non-Disclosure Agreement I signed prevents me from saying much, but I can spout the following with complete joygasmic enthusiasm: Snyder and Co. have pulled it off. Remember that feeling of watching Sin City on the big screen and being blown away by what a faithful translation of the source material it was, in terms of both content and visuals? Triple that, and you’ll come close to watching Watchmen.”

Wanna know the last movie Smith gushed so much about, extolling praises and assuring fans everywhere that this was what they've been waiting for, possibly for their entire lives? Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

So...maybe not the authority he wishes he was on this one.

Okay, maybe this is unfair.

Maybe it's the fact that there will be a Watchmen tie-in video game that's got me a bit worried. I have no idea what in that book would make for an interesting video game. Having recently reread the book, I can assume the big levels will be:

- "Rohrshach looks at things"
- "Meth-addicts beat up an old man"
- "Nite-Owl wanders around his house wearing night-vision goggles and nothing else,"
and, of course, what Watchmen video game would be complete without
- "Dr. Manhattan contemplates his existence on Mars."

This is all assuming that Fox's recent lawsuit over rights issues doesn't keep it all from seeing the light of day. It's highly unlikely that Fox would follow through on their blustering claim to halt its release rather than make any money off it. Still, part of me thinks that'd be kinda neat. Watchmen becoming this unseen rumor of a masterpiece, never to be viewed by fans drooling to see just what the hell it ended up looking like.

Particularly after Kevin Smith says exactly what you'd expect from such a nuanced, level-headed filmmaker: "The Watchmen movie is so fucking important that once it comes out they can stop doing this shit forever."

+++++

As if their Watchmen woes weren't enough, DC's got other problems, too. First their worrisome Justice League movie/franchise-launcher - which would have cast relative unknowns as Batman and Superman, while filling out the Green Lantern and Flash parts with Common and Adam Brody - gets scrapped. Now, Warner Bros. has decided to cut their losses on the perceived disappointment that was Superman Returns, by opting to reboot the franchise, a la this summer's Incredible Hulk.

I liked Superman Returns, but I can see why it was a disappointment when compared to, oh say Batman Begins/Dark Knight. First problem is right there in the title - Superman returned to the middle of a franchise that died out 20 years ago. To a world that didn't really need him anymore, making the whole movie a metatextual meditation on what we the audience really need out of Superman The Concept.

And oh yeah, he had a bastard child.

So I don't necessarily disagree with the decision. If you want to reboot a franchise, you probably shouldn't let the director make a love letter to the old one. Kind of misses the point. But it does make me sad - Brandon Routh's performance as a beatific yet lonely Man of Steel was lovely, and if Bryan Singer gets booted from Restart #2, it's likely Routh will as well. He'll be the George Lazenby of Supermen.

The upshot is DC's starting to take its cues from Marvel, realizing that if they have a more active hand in their properties' film adaptations, it's less likely they'll suck ass. But...the only project moving through the pipeline currently is a "Green Arrow in Super-Prison" script by Dark Knight's David Goyer. And having a B-list superhero, out of costume and performing The Great Escape seems to be, like Superman Returns, missing the point a bit in terms of making a superhero movie people might actually, y'know, enjoy watching.

And as your resident comics/superhero movie expert (well...who else are you gonna ask?), I offer this: Superhero comics are FUN. At their best, they're poppy, pulpy, lunatic things that place bombastic action/fantasy/sci-fi stories in everyday settings. So superhero movies should be fun, too. I don't mean dumb - that's how you end up with the Fantastic Four or Catwoman flicks. I mean, joyous in their absurdity.

Dark Knight was a symphony, serious and beautiful and mournful and epic. But Iron Man was a rock song: fast, funny, idiosyncratic, and catchy as all hell.

Which would you give more repeat plays to?

Cool Guy City

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 01:30:27 GMT

Population: Me.

Kidding. Well, mostly. But this entry's devoted to further proof that two of my favorite entertainers are unreasonably cool dudes.

First up? Tom Waits. How cool is Tom Waits? Cool enough to get the key to El Paso back in June, sure. But then I read this:

"I must admit, before meeting Tom, I had heard so many rumors and so much gossip that I was afraid. Frankly, his gambling debts, his animal magnetism, coupled with his disregard for the feelings of others... His elaborate gun collection, his mad shopping sprees, the facelifts, the ski trips, the drug busts and the hundreds of rooms in his home. The tax shelters, the public urination... I was nervous to meet the real man himself. Baggage and all. But I found him to be gentle, intelligent, open, bright, helpful, humorous, brave, audacious, loquacious, clean, and reverent. A Boy Scout, really (and a giant of a man)..."

So says the introduction to an interview of Tom Waits by...Tom Waits. He asked himself a lot of deep, probing questions, like "You've always enjoyed the connection between fashion and history...talk to us about that," "Favorite scenes in movies?" and its much-needed follow-up question, "Can you describe a few other scenes from movies that have always stayed with you?"

Next up is George Clooney. At this point in his career, between starring in nothing but good-to-great movies (after "Batman and Robin" paid him enough to never have to take another shitty part again), multiple Oscar nominations and a win, a magazine proclaiming him the sexiest man alive, the Italian Villa, and making the Obama = Celebrity nonsense seem like the utter stupidity it is by pointing out to news organizations that he's actually logged in more face-time with John McCain over the years...well, I guess the question is, how the hell can this guy seem more out-of-this-world cool while also being alarmingly down-to-earth?

This profile of Clooney doing an interview at the writer's house...at the writer's dinner party.

On table manners, the writer says: "Rattled, I drop the salt. 'Throw it over your left shoulder,' he says. 'That's just bad mojo. You know it, and I know it.' "

On Tom Cruise, Clooney offers: "I talked to him the other day, and he's a good egg. There's nothing self-serving about what he's saying. He has to turn it into a way to make fun of himself."

George Clooney uses the term "bad mojo." And he thinks Tom Cruise is "a good egg." That's...like, the most gentlemanly way of saying, "I know he comes off like a looney-toon, but he could be a lot worse" that I've ever heard.

There aren't a lot of entertainers I'd be really saddened to hear turned out to be utter whackjobs, but these two...every time another glowing article on one of them comes out, I actually get a little bit worried that the next one will read, "George Clooney stabs own beloved father 43 times while wearing gimp-mask."

But for now, enjoy these two Cool Dudes.

Hurry Down Doomsday

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:25:23 GMT

So Scotland develops a quick-spreading plague, and England - because they're England, apparently, and that's what they're most likely to do to Scotland - walls up the entire country.

Which doesn't help England, because, heh, the rest of the world looks unkindly on them because of that decidedly dick move.

So when that same plague breaks out in London 30 years later, what's left to do, but send tough-ass Rhona Mitra and a few redshirts into Scotland to find a cure - which surely must be there, since somehow, there are still survivors living past that wall.

Some live in a cannibalistic hell-hole of bleach-blonde mohawks and bone-adorned motorcycles. And then there are the places that are really fucked. The parts ruled by Malcolm MacDowell.

This is the plot of Doomsday, the new DVD release from Dog Soldiers and The Descent director Neil Marshall. If it sounds stupid and corny to you, there's a good chance this one ain't for you. If you've either A) seen the Marshall's previous films, B) felt kinda jazzed by the stated premise, or C) wondered what The Road Warrior or Escape From L.A. might look like with a budget, then this movie is...god, I hesitate to use this phrase so much I'm even looking away from the keyboard as I type this (seriously - that's how goodadf ao tlypist I ma)...it's the shiz-nit.

It is. It is, "the shiz-nit." It is fun, and awesome, and stupidly loving of the Snake Plisskin and Mad Max stories, and for that, it is the kind of knowingly-brainless action movie I've been waiting for all year.

If a Warren Ellis story ever gets turned into a movie? Rhona Mitra needs to be the lead. She has that Ellisy bravado, both tough and casual in a way few British actresses can manage (coughKateBeckinsalecough). For the way she stares down a man-mountain of an opponent and mutters, "...Bollocks," I now have a wild crush on her. And also I'm fairly certain she'd enjoy cracking open my windpipe. Which somehow does not diminish the crush.

About a half hour from the end, the movie turns into the most bizarre Astin Martin commercial I've never considered. And I loved the movie even more for it.

Fun Fun Fun.

Summer Movie A-Go-Go: Pineapple Express

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 03:02:36 GMT

Okay, every other movie review has made a snickering little weed gag while praising Pineapple Express, so let me just get them out of the way. Ahem:

"Pineapple Express is your sure cure for the comedy munchies!"

"I got a contact high from James Franco's jubilant performance!"

"Marijuana good! Pineapple Express better!"

"Comedy as pure and lovely as the smoke in a bong!"

Ugh. God, that was rough. Seriously, professional reviewers: You Are Better Than This Hacky Writing. I would assume Entertainment Weekly pays you to do better writing than this, Owen Gleiberman. Earn it!

Anyway. There are only two problems with Pineapple Express, and neither of them are the fault of the movie. 1) The uniformly glowing (Glowing like a freshly-sparked bowl! Jeez, sorry, hard to stop once you stop) reviews might have hyped it past reasonable expectations for what is simply an amiable comedy that follows Seth Rogan (playing Seth Rogan) and James Franco (doing his first truly entertaining work since "Freaks and Geeks," or maybe that part of Spider-Man 3 where Harry's got amnesia) as they bumble their way through an action movie plot. 2) If you've caught the commercials, the trailers, the clips talk shows air before interviews, and various web bits, you've actually seen a good chunk of the movie already.

For me, the humor doesn't hit gut-busting level until the last act, where the two leads have to get physical without any skill sets or mental preparation. The parts where the two behave exactly like normal everyday people would if they were in an action movie - like giving up immediately in the face of violence (and apologizing), or finding loaded guns when needed and reacting, "Oh, nice!" Or catching a guy's foot when he tries to kick you, and being momentarily surprised and proud.

So maybe not a go-see-it-in-theatres recommendation, but probably want to toss it on your Netflix cueue now while you're thinking about it.

+++++

STILL haven't bothered to write up anything about Hellboy 2, but I will, for posterity's sake. And then...I dunno, Tropic Thunder's been getting some great early reviews, and Robert Downey Jr.'s ridiculous black-guy impression is still making me smile. So that's a possibility.

Summer Movie A-Go-Go: Wall-E

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:00:23 GMT

One of the greatest things about having a niece is I now have an excuse to see Pixar movies in the theater. And she chose Wall-E, I even gave her the option of Kung-Fu Panda, since it seemed to be a bit more of a kid-friendly premise than Wall-E, which is about, well, what happens after we destroy the world.

Seriously. Wall-E is in every way fantastic – adorable in its dialogue-light romance between the battered, box-shaped title robot and his sleek, iPoddy crush, and hilarious when the slapstick cranks up. But it’s really hard to shake the setting: a future Earth totally overrun by the trash of the human race’s consumption (primarily provided by a Wal-Mart/CostCo stand-in, which has grown so massive as to promise – though never get around to building, which is even worse to me somehow – an outlet store on the moon).

Humanity, meanwhile, has evolved over their 700-year exile on a space-cruise into floating-chair-ridden, morbidly-obese ultra-consumers, under the watchful eye of the Buy-n-Large corporation (from birth, in a particularly creepy throw-away moment).

So the theme of this one eventually becomes “Humanity: If we can just get off our fat asses, there might be some slim hope for us yet!” Between this, Ratattoille’s conceit that “anyone can cook” but actually meaning “You never know where true, singular artistic genius will come from,” and The Incredibles kinda-sorta espousing some Ayn Randian “All men are NOT created equal and we are doing humanity a disservice by buying into this” philosophy, it’s very strange that the best Pixar movies all have a sort of fucked up, bitter-elitist worldview about them.

And that they end up also staving off this bleakness by also being about the joy of creativity, the need for family, and, in Wall-E’s case, the warm feeling of simple pleasures. Wall-E’s biggest hope is that he’ll be able to hold Eve’s hand – since multiple viewings of Hello Dolly! have taught him that this is the truest form of showing love that there is.

And to the film’s credit, that very simple, overpoweringly sweet notion is enough to shake off the disturbing image of babies being taught “B is for Buy more.”